Let Go and Let God…***middle finger***

I think if I hear the phrase “let go and let God” again I will have to flip that person the bird. Truly. I detest that saying. I’m in a bit of a sour mood…grumpy actually…as I’ve been coming to terms with slowing my life down from recent MS news. New spot on MRI. Re-MRI in the spring and in the meantime take care. If more new spots at next MRI, than I’ll have to start taking a new drug that will have not-so-fun side-effects. I’m not dying…(that’s good news)…but, this isn’t fun.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last several weeks being pretty PO-ed with myself for being bitter. I shouldn’t be bitter. Again, I’m not dying. My son is happy and healthy. Hubby is gainfully employed and even my dog has remained healthy.

It can be tough learning to walk a different pace. Just because you are living a slower pace doesn’t mean that all of the sudden you are living in perpetual vacation. It’s a balance. A balance between life and moments of pause. Finding what that balance looks like is aggravating. Some days are perfectly balanced with activity. Others with downtime. Some days I want to be active, but I just can’t seem to find my gumption.

The phrase ‘Let Go & Let God’ means that I let go of my internal struggles and let God take over. Fabulous. Why hadn’t I thought of that? The truth is that there is no reality behind the phrase ‘Let Go & Let God.’  I fight and fight…and fight. And, no matter how many times I try to let go…the struggle is still there. It is unrealistic for me to ignore the situation, to not be afraid, to not be disappointed and to not fight. The burden remains.

All that being said, I can still hope. Not hope in my situation but in a Savior. My situation can have either a positive or negative outcome. Flip a coin and sure hope that my MRIs look good, but there is simply no guarantee. But I know that in Christ my hope is safe regardless of circumstance. The burden acts almost as a catalyst moving me closer until I am a whisper away from the mouth of my Savior and finally, I can hear Him. The voices that keep screaming frustration in my head begin to silent. My situation remains unchanged, but His presence brings peace and the burden becomes lighter because I no longer carry it alone.

We, me and you, were never designed to fight our struggles all alone. We were meant to give our struggles over to God, but not in a vacuum. Not without dialogue. Not without relationship. Not without the constant going back and forth conversation that takes place between a kid and her dad.

Reality check: continuing to believe that God will become the manager of our problems if we only “let go” is a lie. Recognizing that our problems are an opportunity to be drawn into relationship is pure grace.

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2 thoughts on “Let Go and Let God…***middle finger***

  1. I think learning the balance of good days and bad days is the hardest thing to learn with a chronic disease. I have to be reminded a couple of times of year that I overdid it for a day and now must pay for it for a week or two.

    It’s hard to give up the younger, healthier you. Like you, I am not dying of my disease, but it’s really, really, hard to take the bad days when all you want are good days.

    Know that there are plenty of us to understand your feelings and care about you. Venting is sometimes the best medicine.

    • Gina,
      So true. We had company in town over the weekend and even though they were here for just a few days, I’ll be spending the next week “in recovery” 🙂 thanks so much for your comment. Was encouraging to me.
      Cathy

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